The Eight Commandments

One of the greatest mysteries for liberal elitists who live on the socialist coasts is to understand why millions of Americans in the flyover states, who profess moral superiority, are able to support a man whose self-acknowledge hobby is “pussy-grabbing.”  How is it possible that these people who tout their Christian values at every opportunity can worship a man whose whole life has been an attempt to top Caligula? 

             As a liberal elitist who actually lived in a flyover state, I think I can shed some light.   This lack of understanding by the coastal elites is because they have never actually attended a church service of the right-wing, moral majority that supports Trump.  I have been to those services so let me familiarize you with what takes place.

            The first thing you notice when you enter the churches is that you are met with a huge replica of the eight commandments hanging on the wall near the entrance of the church.   Like most churches, they used to have ten commandments, but they found that the decrees on not bearing false witness and the one on adultery were just not working out in a Trump administration.  They do, however, put a lot of emphasis on not coveting your neighbor’s ox.

              During the service, you will also notice that the preachers tend to focus a great deal on the apostle Paul’s third letter to the Corinthians or as it is more widely known, Corinthians III -  Return of the Jedi.  This is of course the letter that did not make it into the Bible because of the embarrassing Internet revelations that came out about Paul right before the letter was published.   #Saultoo

             In Corinthians III, Paul focuses less on Jesus famous Sermon on the Mount and more on Jesus not so highly publicized Sermon on the Grassy Knoll.   Since this speech was given to a seminar largely consisting of rich merchants at the annual Davos conference, it is often referred to by religious scholars as his “I was just kidding about that poor people crap” speech.   The Grassy Knoll speech is where Jesus explained to those gathered that the Bible was actually like a big Tapas menu and that you can pick and choose to follow whatever parts you feel like at whatever time. The part about helping the poor and them inheriting the kingdom of heaven can be ignored altogether like the baked kale on the tapas menu.

             Furthermore, Jesus explained to those gathered about the importance of cutting regulations and letting job creators be free.  He used an example from his own past when he explained the sandal deal he made with Nike after he walked on water.  He told them that right now hundreds of young children were currently at work making those very same sandals in sweatshops all over Jerusalem.  

             But probably the part that the preachers most emphasize in their sermons in moral majority churches is the part of Jesus sermon on the Grassy Knoll where he discusses getting into heaven.  Jesus touches on being “saved” or “born again’ but stresses that there are really only two things you need to do to be truly saved: (1) oppose abortion and (2) hate gays.   These are the two true keys to the kingdom of heaven.  

               As you can see, the religious right is not being hypocritical at all and Donald Trump is in fact the perfect manifestation on Earth of Corinthians III.  They are simply choosing what parts of the Bible to believe as Jesus told them to do.  Jesus clearly wanted religion to be convenient to the masses and all that loving thy neighbor and helping the less fortunate stuff is just not expedient.